(Photos by Microsoft Clipart) ~~ I had one of those days Monday when all the whistles and bells were going off and issues triggered left and right – maybe not where others would notice but that’s what was going off on the inside of me.
It started off bright and early when I sat down at my desk at work and booted up my computer to get ready to log in. I get this error message – Access denied – your user has expired. What? I didn’t know what was going on.
It turned out that proper paperwork had not been sent in to keep me on board and security had cancelled my access. Sooooo, after 3 hours of working around systems and asking people to look up things for me I finally got access and could log in.
Having said all that, it doesn’t seem like what happened was a big deal and normally it isn’t. You expect glitches and set backs once in awhile. It’s part of working with technology and I understand that but for some reason this set off a lot of "stuff" within me I wasn’t prepared for. It was old hurts and thoughts of feeling neglected, not important enough, invisible….little did I know I would be facing a meltdown 9 AM Monday morning. I was blindsided.
In "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose", Eckhart Tolle says some pretty telling truths that hit on what I was experiencing:
“Whatever behavior the ego manifests, the hidden motivating force is always the same: the need to stand out, be special, be in control; the need for power, for attention, for more. And, of course, the need to feel a sense of separation, that is to say, the need for opposition, enemies.”
“The ego always wants something from other people or situations. There is always a hidden agenda, always a sense of “not enough yet,” of insufficiency and lack that needs to be filled. It uses people and situations to get what it wants, and even when it succeeds, it is never satisfied for long.”
I could at least recognize, after the fact, that I had identified and fallen for the old conditioning. When you’re in the midst of these triggered thoughts and emotions you want to be right – you want validation.
But, it’s comforting to know that there’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t have a split personality with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other wondering which side will show up. Tolle says,
“All that is required to become free of the ego is to be aware of it, since awareness and ego are incompatible. Awareness is the power that is concealed within the present moment. This is why we may also call it Presence.”....“Only Presence can undo the past in you and thus transform your state of consciousness.”
I know there will be more times when emotions and
old hurts will surface again but each time I become more aware of what is happening and not fuel it by reacting or attaching to it. The more I learn to observe and watch the situation and what I’m doing with it and not judge, the less effect it will have on me. That is what it is like to be set free.
What triggers in you some of the old hurts you’ve held on to? You know what they are – you can feel them and know when you’ve lost it. There’s a part of you watching yourself go off ranting and raving and you sometimes wonder why you’re so upset. It’s all part of the egos we all have acting out to feel safe because when we wake up to whom we truly are it diminishes and dissolves as it exists right now.
Who we are and what we do does count – we have to know that and not look for it in the world and in people. They can’t give it to us. We already have our Beingness only we need to look for it where it is – within.
Buddha's famous answer when asked what he was: Are you a god? "No." Are you super-human? "No." Are you an ordinary man? "No." What are you then? "I'm awake."